A Form of Betrayal
by TamSibling
Summary: COMPLETE: Three parts in total. Set pre-mini following Zak's death. Lee goes to check on Kara. PG-13.
1. Chapter 1

Title: A Form of Betrayal

Pairing: Lee/Kara (hints of Kara/Zak)

Disclaimer: Ron frakked up Lee and Kara's resolution, so I think I should be able to do whatever I want.

Spoilers: Flashbacks in "Daybreak" Parts I & II, mini-series, most of the frakkin' series

Summary: The next time he sees her, after the dinner party, after the drunken kissing, and the double-dog dare, and the shirt that plunged down to there, is the night of Zak's death.

A/N: Just like all other Lee/Kara shippers in the universe I'm still mourning the end of Friday's episode. I do have a post-Earth fic in the works, but this one just came pouring out of me today, so I thought I'd listen to my muse and commit it to word doc. I really hope you all like it!

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The next time he sees her, after the dinner party, after the drunken kissing, and the double-dog dare, and the shirt that plunged down to there, is the night of Zak's death.

He's at her door before he even realizes that was his destination. He thinks about standing here a year ago, flowers in hand, nervous and anxious, knowing this dinner was so important to his brother. Not many things had ever been that important to Zak; he was always the one who let the world roll off his back, never took things to heart the way Lee did. The knowledge alone that he wanted Lee to meet Kara had told his older brother all he needed. And he'd still been nervous.

She was a revelation, still is when he thinks of her at night, in his empty rack on Atlantia where he doesn't have many friends and doesn't try to make them. The military is a stop-gap, a means to an end and he's not going to get sucked in over some kind of misplaced fraternity. One year down, three to go, that's it. His thoughts are wrong, he knows, almost as wrong as his actions that night. He wonders how far it would have gone had the glass not broken; had Zak not awakened for just a second. He wonders how he would have lived with himself; he wonders how he would have been able to walk away. He barely could after just one kiss.

He raises his hand to knock and stops. He has no right to be here. He's had no contact with Kara in this year except shared stories told through Zak. Their middle-man is gone and Lee wants to be sad, and he is—he's lost a brother, the one person in this life who knew him better than anyone, better than their parents at any rate. The absence of him, of Zak, is devastating, but Lee knows he hasn't come close to really feeling it, not yet. He's afraid to turn that corner, to sink into that grief. Coming to see Kara is as much for him as for her; it's a distraction, but he'll pretend it's the selfless act of a caring man.

Zak would have called him on that bullshit.

He sighs and then knocks, waiting for an answer. Her truck's outside, that huge behemoth that in no way represents Kara, not the Kara he knows. He's heard the stories though of Starbuck and thinks maybe that's who bought that truck—the fierce warrior who lights up the sky with daring stunts and elegant flying. The truck definitely conveys a sense of "you can't touch me." And in the air, no one can touch Starbuck, that's the truth.

There's no answer. He counts to a hundred and knocks again, calling softly through the door, "Kara."

Still no answer. He thinks he should go. If she's home and not answering him then maybe he should leave her be. But something inside him, something he hates and cherishes all at the same time, doesn't want to leave. He wants to see her, touch her, know she's okay. Or as okay as she can be. He shouldn't want any of those things, it's not his place, but he can't stop himself. He's here and he has to be sure.

He tries the doorknob, not surprised that it's locked. She doesn't live in the best part of Delphi, although it's certainly not the slums either. Considering the trouble of kicking it down, Lee steps back and runs his fingers along the door jamb. On the right hand side, his fingers glance over a slim shape and he pulls. Covered in black electrical tape is a key. Oh Zak, old habits diehard.

Lee swallows quickly at the thought. Even ridiculous clichés take on a whole new meaning now. That sucks.

He puts the key in the lock, worried he'll startle her; worried he might get a fist to the jaw for his trouble. He opens the door slowly, pocketing the key and sticks his head through the narrow opening. "Kara? Are you here? It's me. It's Lee."

There still isn't an answer, there isn't anything. And now he's more worried than before. He heard from a classmate down at the landing strip that Kara had been there, teaching when Zak's bird had gone down. She'd been in time to see the smoking hulk of metal and plastic, in time to see his burned body pulled from the cockpit, unrecognizable and made of ash.

No one had seen her after that. And Lee thinks somebody should. Somebody should help her through this, because she lost Zak and he was Lee's brother, but he was her fiancé and that's not a little thing.

"Kara. Come on. Answer me. Please." He shuts the door and throws the bolt, before peering over the edge of the landing. The living room is empty, pristine almost and Lee frowns. That definitely wasn't Zak's doing, the guy didn't understand the word "tidy."

He heads down the stairs, pausing halfway to listen. He swears he can hear something and he jogs the rest of the way, turning the corner and finding her. His heart breaks and he realizes that losing Zak won't be the thing that kills him—it'll be watching Kara lose Zak.

She's sitting in the middle of the dining room table, arms wrapped around knees that are bent and pulled tight to her chest. She rocks back and forth slightly, murmuring words Lee can't understand. As he approaches her, slow, cautious, he notes she's wearing a shirt that's far too big for her, a long-sleeve button down. It's Zak's. She's not wearing much else. Her legs are bare and Lee fights down the urge to take a long look.

Of course, he is that guy, the girlfriend-stealer as Zak liked to tease. Really not, in the grand scheme. Zak had simply had a crush on a girl when they were in school who was Lee's age. And Lee had started dating her, completely oblivious to his brother's feelings. It was years later after too many beers and too much sharing that he'd even learned of Zak's adoration of … what was her name … Mariel. They'd had a good laugh over it. But it hadn't been a betrayal, not really.

Anything with Kara would be.

"Kara?"

She doesn't even acknowledge his presence and he figures she doesn't know he's there. He risks getting closer. Taking a few more steps toward the table, he's an arms-length from her now. Her blonde hair is still short, and her eyes stare unseeing from underneath the fringe of her bangs.

"Kara, it's Lee. Can you look at me?" His voice is shaking. His hand is shaking from the need to touch her, to comfort her. He doesn't know why he feels it's his duty, but since he heard the news, it's been just about all he can focus on.

He stills when she doesn't answer and listens. It takes a minute, maybe two, before his mind can hear what she's whispering and he thinks maybe this, maybe helping her, will be too much for him.

"I take it back," she murmurs over and over again, lips muffled against the tops of her knees. "I didn't mean it. Please, bring him back. I take it back. I'll be good. I promise, I'll be good."

Lee doesn't understand it, doesn't understand her words, but he hears her pain and that's enough.

"Hey, Kara, come on. Let's get you down from there, okay? We'll get something to eat." Since words alone don't work he risks touching her. Placing a light hand to her shoulder, he squeezes just slightly and her head jerks up, wide hazel eyes staring at him in confusion.

"Lee?"

He feels an inordinate amount of relief when she says his name. "Yeah, Kara. It's me."

She glances past him, dull eyes taking in her apartment and then falling back to his face. "What … what are you doing here?"

"I came to check up on you, Kara," he explains gently, keeping his hand to her shoulder as if the touch is what's causing her lucidity. He stands closer to the table, hip bumping against the edge and adds, "I wanted to be sure you were okay."

Her face crumples at his words and Lee curses himself for being so tactless. Is there a better way to say it? He doesn't know and Kara's not looking at him again and just as she starts rocking he knows the words don't matter, it's being here that does.

"Kara, come on." He places one knee on the closest chair and the other on table so he can get one arm around her shoulders. Tugging her gently toward the edge of the table, he coaxes softly, hoping he's helping. "You shouldn't be up there, come on."

She slowly unfolds her body, face expressionless, and Lee guesses this is simply the start of a long evening. He's fine with it; Kara's his distraction from his own grief and he'll keep that at bay for as long as he can.

As she scoots across the table toward him, Lee places both feet back on the ground, his hand in hers. As he about to help her down, her arms wind themselves around his neck, legs resting on either side of his hips. She's soft against him, her body fitting into his in ways he didn't think possible. As she buries her face into the base of his neck, he hitches a breath, knowing he shouldn't want to hold her back, but he does.

His arms loop around her and he rests his cheek to the top of her head as she whispers, "I'm sorry."

"Shh." His hands stroke up and down her back slowly, as he feels tears wet the collar of his shirt. "It's okay, Kara. It's not your fault," he murmurs, golden strands getting stuck in his lips.

"It is. I did this. I killed him." She holds on tighter, knees squeezing his hips, arms strong around him and he just holds her right back. "I took him away. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Lee."

He tells her again it isn't her fault, but he has to endure another five minutes of her apologies before her tears make it impossible for her to speak. His legs are growing tired, but he doesn't want to let her go. As she continues to shake against him, he circles his arms tight around her back and whispers, "Hang on to me, okay?"

She does as he instructs and he's able to lift her off the table. Her legs wrap around his waist, as he carries her toward the bedroom. Before he's gone five steps, she shakes her head. "I can't go in there."

Lee changes direction without hesitation and heads for the sofa. He sits, Kara now in his lap and she curls her body into his, head resting under his chin, arms pulled in tight to her chest.

It feels exquisite, holding her like this. It's reminiscent of so many dreams he's had in the past year and he's ashamed to realize his imaginings are paltry in comparison to the real thing. He's ashamed that's what he's thinking about, at this moment when Zak's body isn't even cold yet.

But doesn't she need someone? Zak had told him her parents were gone and that she had only one or two friends to speak of. No one should go through this alone. Gods knows, Lee doesn't want to.

Minutes pass and then it's been an hour, then two and Lee feels the pull of sleep. He guesses Kara has been in and out since she stopped trembling an hour or so ago, but it's hard to tell from his viewpoint. She hasn't moved since they sat on the couch and Lee is in no rush to request that she does. But they can't sit here all night; not when he doesn't know if she isn't, in some way, all right.

In an effort to fight off his own fatigue, he runs his hands down her back and whispers, "Kara?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you hungry?" he asks, his fingers rubbing her shoulder blades in a gentle pattern before drifting down again and then back up.

She shakes her head, but Lee guesses it's more of an automatic response than a truthful one. "When's the last time you ate?"

She shrugs and he almost smiles at her petulance. Stubborn was by far Zak's favorite word to describe her. "You should eat something," he scolds gently, running his hand through her short hair and tugging lightly on the strands.

Kara looks at him then and his breath stops in his throat. Her luminous eyes are so wide he fears he'll pitch over the edge, falling into them and never find his way out. Pale skin marked with tearstains and full lips he shouldn't be focusing on aren't much of a distraction from his desire to touch her more, to kiss her and hold her until she stops hurting.

It's a betrayal; he has to remember.

"Lee."

He realizes he's closed his eyes and they snap open at the sound of her soft voice. Meeting her gaze once more, he steals himself for the pull of her and listens. "I'll eat if you eat."

He grimaces at the thought. Food's the last thing he wants right now, but if he's going to make her choke something down than he has to take his own advice. It's only fair.

Nothing else about this is.

"Deal," he tells her, risking the added contact and brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. His palm rests against her cheek almost of its own accord and Kara freezes, lower lip trapped between her teeth, eyes intently staring into his.

Lee holds her gaze, because it's impossible to look away. This is what had drawn him in that night: the unmistakable vulnerability and strength that resides inside this woman. He knows she can take care of herself, knows she's a damn fine pilot whose made a name for herself, mostly positive, among her superiors and peers.

But as he looks at her now, Lee sees the same questioning gaze he had a year ago; the one that said, "do I have to dare you to kiss me?" The one that told him she wanted to be enough without threatening his ego. The one that said she was afraid of being forgotten.

He could never forget her. And he doesn't need any incentive to want to touch her. He just needs her to look at him like that.

Before he does something monumentally stupid, and he knows it's just seconds from happening, he pulls his hand back. Almost simultaneously, she removes her leg from one side of him and rises. Holding out a hand, she tells him, "I have no idea what's in my fridge, but there ought to be something."

Lee eyes her and then her hand and determines if it's madness to touch her again. He reasons that he doesn't care; he's already lost down a path of darkness and grief, what's a little more confusion when added to that?

Taking her hand, he entwines their fingers and rises. "We'll make do," he tells her quietly and she almost smiles.

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	2. Chapter 2

Title: A Form of Betrayal, 2/3

Pairing: Kara/Lee

Disclaimer: I'm still mad at Ron, ergo I can do whatever I want.

Summary: _After the night-of and the tears and the cuddling, Lee doesn't see Kara again until the funeral._

A/N: So, I thought this was a one-off fic, but what do you know? Lee and Kara just won't leave me alone! There will be one more part which I'll hopefully have up sometime next week. Thanks to everyone for the terrific feedback on part 1. I hope you like this too!

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After the night-of and the tears and the cuddling, Lee doesn't see Kara again until the funeral. He tries not to be angry when she won't acknowledge him, tries even harder not to lunge over Zak's coffin and slap her hand away from his father's as the guns go off.

Lee knows his duty whether he wants it or not. He doesn't of course, because Zak was always better at this emotional stuff and Lee has a hard time expressing much of anything. However, his mother needs him and his father is useless, and Lee stays where he is despite every muscle in his body screaming that where he should be is beside Kara.

Once the guns have stopped and the friends of his family have thrown their fistfuls of dirt, only Lee, his father, mother, Kara and the priest are left. His mother still hasn't released the hold on his arm and he knows the damage it'll do if he tries to shrug her off. But Kara still won't look at him for her position too close to his dad. What right does the great William Adama think he has over her? He didn't even know she existed until a few days ago and now it appears he's taken responsibility for Kara in a way he's never taken responsibility for Lee. Lee finds it highly amusing that the death of his youngest son brings out his fatherly instincts. He could have been a father to his two boys, the ones who were biologically his if he hadn't been so in love with that damn battlestar. Lee has never understood how a hunk of metal could possibly replace him or his brother.

He has never understood how someone can love a ship.

The priest approaches his mother and she turns to him, finally freeing Lee. He does his best not to sprint to Kara's side. Even as he approaches, she still won't look at him, so Lee is forced to acknowledge his father.

"Dad."

William Adama doesn't look all that different from the last time Lee saw him. The commander's pips on his collar are a little shinier, but Lee has never given a damn about his father's military accomplishments. He failed where it mattered most and that's what Lee would remember.

"Lee. You've met Kara, of course?"

Damn right I have, he wants to scream, but bites back the retort and nods. "Kara?" He reaches out a hand and almost touches her, but she flinches away. Her eyes finally drag themselves from the ground and when Lee sees those hazel depths he's dreamt of frequently in the past week, he can't breathe.

There's pain and then there's what Kara's feeling. He didn't know it was possible for one human being to endure that much.

She bites her lip and shakes her head at him, just the tiniest bit and it freezes Lee in place. He wants to hold her, but he knows his father won't understand and neither will his mother. Hell, maybe even the priest would chastise him for comforting his little brother's fiancée. Lee doesn't care, not really, but he can tell Kara does, so he stays where he stands.

His father either doesn't understand what's going on or doesn't see it. "Kara, you should come back to the house with us. We're going to have some people over, remember Zak. And you need something to eat."

She shakes her head and then takes a deep breath. In the motion, Lee can see that it's taking all she has to force words out. He wants to tell her she doesn't have to, wants to tell her she doesn't owe his father anything, wants to tell her that she doesn't have to be alone and that he'll stay with her until she grows sick of the sight of him.

He doesn't say anything, just listens. "No, sir. Thank you, but I … I'd rather be alone right now."

Lee can't ignore the pointed look she gives him and he knows the words are meant as much for him as for anyone. Frak that, he thinks, but doesn't say it, because they're in a cemetery and as much as he wants to help Kara, he wants her to want him as well—wants her to need him … like he needs her.

He can't imagine going home and making empty conversation about his brother with people he barely knows. Can't imagine having to sit beside his mother as she sobs at random intervals and tells everyone how much Zak was her favorite and how can she go on now that he's gone. Can't imagine having to watch his father receive condolences over the loss of his son when it was his pride that put him in that cockpit.

And he really can't imagine doing any of that alone.

"Kara, come on." He risks chiding her, hoping maybe it'll work, but her eyes dart to his face and they're cold and distant.

"No, thank you. I'll try to stop by later, maybe. But not …" She inhales a shaky breath and then releases it. "Not now."

She turns to his father and offers a salute and Lee almost chokes at the sight of such protocol at a time like now. But his father returns the stupid gesture and then Kara walks away. Lee watches her go and wonders how many times they'll be forced apart.

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Kara sits.

She's not waiting, not really. There's nothing, no one, to wait for. She's alone, again. She should have known that's how it was meant to be.

She can't look at Zak's grave anymore. After the Adamas had left, after the priest had tried to talk to her, she'd stood and stared at his tombstone. 'Here lies Zak Adama, Beloved Son & Brother.' She stared at the words until they'd bored their way into her brain. She can see them now when she closes her eyes, etched into the back of her lids, gray and final.

The diggers had come to heap on the dirt and that's when Kara had left. She can't see that. Knowing he's in that box, knowing that coffin is his final resting place makes Kara sick. Almost as sick as knowing that she's the one who put him in it. She couldn't bear to see him buried.

So she sits now in front of another grave, another tombstone whose inscription she's memorized. She figures this is where she belongs because out of all the people Kara has known in her life, this dead body had pegged her as a worthless creature right from the start.

With dry eyes, because she can't cry anymore, she stares at her mother's grave marker. Her mother would have hated Zak if for no other reason than he made Kara happy. Her mother, the inimitable Socrata Thrace just couldn't fathom that, couldn't understand how anyone could view Kara as anything but worthless. But Zak thought she was beautiful and tough and soft and brilliant. Zak thought things about her she'd never thought of herself. Because Zak loved her.

She picks at a few blades of grass, unable to see clearly now that her eyes are full of tears again. She wants to stop crying. Her eyes hurt, her body hurts and her heart just keeps beating. She doesn't understand how that's possible. Her heart should have stopped the second his plane went down. That's what would have been fair. She should be buried in the ground, because all of this is no one else's fault but hers.

Kara lets out a shuddering breath and her insides cramp as though she'll be sick. She hasn't been sick since she saw his body right after the accident. She leans forward, wrapping her arms around her midsection, teeth pressed together, waiting for it to pass. She doesn't pray anymore, because she figures the gods have had enough of Kara Thrace and her delusions of self-importance.

"I killed him, mama," she admits in a whisper, knowing Socrata is the only person who will understand. "I killed him, because I couldn't lose him. I couldn't tell him he didn't have the talent. He wanted it so bad. He wanted to fly so badly and I couldn't say no. So I said yes."

A sob she isn't expecting escapes her mouth and Kara slaps a hand over it, trying to control it. She can't do this, not here, but she can't move either. She feels incapable of anything right now including standing or walking. She wishes she was stronger; wishes she really was Starbuck who wouldn't have let something like this phase her, instead of Kara Thrace who is wounded and weak and full of self-loathing.

"I killed him," she whispers again, feeling cold and empty and angry and ashamed and she's glad there's no one here to help her. "I tried to be good mamma, I swear. But I still killed him."

She doesn't deserve anyone's help, she barely deserves to breathe, but the gods decided from a young age that Kara Thrace would be their punching bag. A childhood of abuse followed by a few glorious years when she learned to fly. And then, there'd been Zak and what his love had done for her … she doesn't have words, but she feels it, deep in her gut where the gnawing emptiness is now. It's the emptiness that tells her just how deeply Zak Adama had embedded himself into her psyche, into her heart. Of course, the gods could not leave her be, could not let the worst thing in her life be the death of her fiancé, the one man who ever loved her. No, they had to make it worse—they had to introduce her to Lee.

Even though Zak's death leaves her hollow, watching Lee walk away after the funeral had left her cold.

She knows it's wrong. She knows she screwed up a year ago with those ridiculous shots and that idiotic dare and she can't imagine what would have happened if they hadn't broken that glass. Later, she thought maybe she'd done it on purpose, done it to see how far she could push Lee, but she knows that's not really the reason.

She did it because she was attracted to Lee. Because even though Zak loved her like no one else, Lee was a challenge from the minute she opened the door. And beyond anything else, she'd wanted him.

So, the gods have another joke to play. They can punish her now for her weakness and she knows they will, because Kara has always been punished, has always been told she isn't worth anything.

And Kara has always believed it.

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Lee's outside her apartment, but her truck's not there. He sits in the parking lot, idling in his mother's car, wondering where she would go, where he can follow. She'd never shown up at the house. He waited five long hours for her to come, for her to give him a distraction from all these ridiculous people who had barely known Zak, but cried over him anyway. He had waited for her so he could be useful, so he could continue to deny his own pain and focus on her.

But she's not here and he doesn't know where else she'd be. He puts the car in reverse and just starts to drive. It's raining lightly now, even though the morning had been beautiful. When he's up in space, Lee misses the sun; he misses the warmth and the light and the brightness. Today he'd cursed it. It shouldn't have been sunny the morning of his brother's funeral. For once, he's actually glad he'll be wrapped in darkness of space in a little under a week.

He stops at a light and wonders which way to go. If he turns left he'll head toward home; if he turns right, he'll head back to the cemetery. Neither option is at all appealing, but given the choice, he'd rather sit with Zak. As he makes the turn he realizes that might be where she is. His anxiety grows as he nears the gate. If she's still there, he guesses it means she's been there since he left. He can't stand the thought that she's been sitting in front of his brother's grave all this time.

He pulls up to the gate. It's late and dark and the cemetery's closed. But her truck's there, sitting tall and huge in the parking lot and Lee looks for a way in. Luckily, he's a pretty capable climber.

Scaling the fence isn't hard, although the slick rain makes it tough. As he drops inside the gate, he heads for his brother's plot, wiping rain off his face. It's not falling hard enough to be a deterrent, but once the sun had gone down, it'd gotten colder and he won't be able to sit out here for very long. Not without risking a cold or maybe the flu.

He's standing before Zak's grave marker, but Kara's not there. He hates that that's his concern at this moment, that he's not really interested in sitting here with his brother when he doesn't know where Kara is. "You'd want me to check on her, right?" he whispers to his Zak, knowing the answer would have been an emphatic no, especially if he'd been privy to Lee's inner thoughts.

Someone needs to see her though. Just as the night of his death, Lee doesn't like knowing that Kara can just disappear. He doesn't like thinking that she can go and no one will notice. He'll always notice

In the dusk and the rain, it's hard to see anything. There is no shock of blonde hair walking among the monuments, no sight of her slight form sitting beneath the trees standing to the west. But her truck is here.

Now, Lee's worried. He starts walking methodically down each row, looking for her, determined that he won't leave the graveyard until he's found her. And if he doesn't, he'll call the Caprica PD. She can hate him as much as she wants, but he's not going to let her vanish. He can't. Because if she goes, he'll go too. She's the only thing that's keeping him present.

It's raining a little harder now and the wind's picking up. Lee quickens his search, looking for any sign of her. It takes him over an hour by the time he finally does. She's crouched before another grave, arms wrapped around her midsection, face buried in the tops of her thighs as she rocks back and forth before the marker. Her dress grays are dark with rain and he can tell she's shivering.

He pauses for a second before pushing his sudden reluctance aside. She's the reason he's here.

He gets close enough to touch her, but doesn't. "Kara?"

She jumps at the sound of his voice, turning and scrambling so the gravestone is at her back. Her eyes search into the rain and he sees the second she recognizes him. She relaxes, just a little and then crosses her legs underneath her. "Why are you here?" she asks in nothing more than a whisper.

"Because you never came to the house." Lee takes a few more steps toward her and kneels. "Have you been here the whole time?"

She nods, but doesn't look at him again. Lee sighs, not sure what to do. She doesn't seem remotely interested in moving, and Lee knows they shouldn't stay out here where it's damp and cold.

"Can I take you home?" he asks and startles a bit as the question pushes her to her feet. Some of her sadness has burned away, replaced by a rage he hadn't seen coming. He stands up as well and takes a step back, trying to understand. "Kara?"

"Stop, Lee. All right. Just stop." She bites down on each word as though she wants to be rid of them. "Just go home and be with your mom. I'm not your problem."

He almost says it—almost says, "yes, you are"—but he stops the words before they come out. Instead, he takes a deep breath and tells her, "Kara, I'm trying to help."

"Well, you can't, Lee. Don't you get it?" He notices the violent shiver that runs through her body right before she crosses her arms over her chest. She turns her head to the side and won't face him. "Zak's dead, there's no help for that."

Lee takes another deep breath. "I know he's gone, Kara. But you're not. I'm not. We're here and we're alive and that has to matter."

"No," she growls and stalks toward him before he can move. She's up in his face now and in the cloudy night he can barely see the shine of her eyes or the tremble of her lips. The rain has mixed with her tears and he can only tell how long she's been crying by the puffiness of her eyes. "No, it doesn't matter, Lee. All that matters is that Zak is dead and I—"

Her head ducks again and Lee takes her by the shoulders, wanting to crush her against him, but knowing he can't. She struggles for a second against his hold and then stops and Lee asks, "You what, Kara?"

She shakes her head and still won't look at him. Lee risks moving one hand to her chin, tilting it up so he can see her face. More tears have fallen from her eyes and any of the anger she displayed a minute ago has gone. She just looks scared and tired and broken. Gods, Lee wants to fix her.

"I killed him, Lee," she finally whispers, holding his gaze despite the tears that leak from her eyes. "I did. I know you think … but I did. I shouldn't have—"

Lee shakes his head once, placing a finger to her lips and tells her, "No, Kara. No. Zak wanted to be a pilot. My father wanted Zak to be a pilot. Nothing was going to stop that from happening. It was an accident. You didn't do it."

He sees a plea flash through her face before she shrugs away from him and he let's her go. "You don't understand," she breathes, turning her back on him, facing the grave marker. "It was my fault."

"Why, Kara? How?" Lee takes a step closer and curses at the rain that sneaks under the collar of his shirt. It's a cold trickle down his back and goose bumps rise under his clothes.

She shrugs, but won't answer him and Lee is losing patience. He takes another step closer, glancing over her shoulder and reads the tombstone. "Kara, whose grave is this?"

"My mother's," she whispers, still staring. "She died about two years ago."

"I'm sorry." He hasn't lost a parent yet and he doesn't want to think about it. Although he figures losing Zak is far more devastating. "Did she, did she meet Zak?"

She snorts so loud, Lee backs up a step. "Yeah, right." She turns and rests her back against the tombstone, almost sitting on it, and Lee gets the impression that maybe Kara and her mother didn't have the best relationship. "She would have hated him."

Lee frowns. "Nobody hated Zak."

Kara nods. "You never met my mother."

It's startling actually how much Lee doesn't know about Kara Thrace. He thinks about all the talks he'd ever had with Zak about this woman of his dreams and besides her affinity for flying and her adeptness at teaching, triad and pyramid, Lee doesn't know anything.

"What was she like?" he asks. At least this way he might get her to talk.

Her eyes are wide with suspicion, before they narrow with anger. "It's none of your business," she snaps and then looks away.

Lee sighs. "Look, Kara. I'm just trying to help. It's frakkin' cold and wet out here and I think we both should get indoors."

She straightens and shrugs. "I didn't ask you to come. You can leave whenever you want."

He resists the urge to yell out of frustration. "I'm not leaving until you do."

This time her gaze is withering and Lee forces himself not to wilt under it. "What do you want, Lee?"

"I want to help," he tells her again, glad that the words don't cause an outburst like last time. "I don't want …" He pauses, uncertain and wonders why. It's not as if Kara hasn't been the first and last thing he's thought about every day since Zak's death. Is it really so hard for him to be honest with her? To tell her why he's here? Maybe it is because he has no idea if he's the person she needs—he has no idea if he'll ever be the person she needs.

"I don't want you to be alone," he finally tells her, meeting her eyes, thankful there is no judgment there only a slight tinge of confusion. "And I don't want to be alone either."

She doesn't say anything and the soft fall of rain against the grass is all he can hear. He turns and looks back toward Zak's grave. He should be there, shivering in front of his tombstone, keeping him company. Instead he's a hundred feet away, standing before his dead brother's girlfriend, praying she won't turn him away.

"Lee." He looks at her again and realizes she's close. She rests a hand to his arm and for some reason the gesture makes him want to cry. He's cried plenty, in private, since he heard and he's not going to fall apart in front of Kara. "I'm sorry," she whispers and he grits his teeth, tempted to bite his tongue.

He's not going to lose it.

He nods instead, because he can't trust his voice and then meets her eyes. "So, what do you say we get out of this rain and get warm?" he asks, surprised by the flush that rises up her neck and stops at her hairline. Then he gets it.

"I mean, just you know, change out of these clothes—" Okay, he's really not helping himself here. "I mean, just get out of the rain," he says in a hurry, and dares to look at Kara, amazed to find her stifling a laugh.

As soon as he sees her, she gives up the pretense and lets out a loud bray he'd heard a year ago, but not recently. Lee joins her and it feels so good to laugh, he almost can't believe it. It's freeing and weightless and it makes him happy, until he realizes it's not rain on his face, but tears.

He sinks to his knees and buries his face in his hands, because this isn't the reason he came. He can't be weak, in front of Kara or anyone, and he can't believe how big of a fool he was to think he could help someone with their grief. He's not good at this, not good at admitting that everything hurts, that he can't see anything past tomorrow and how Zak won't be there. He's not good at admitting that maybe he needs help and he doesn't know where to get it.

Not good at admitting he doesn't know what to do.

Strong arms he's not expecting come around his shaking form and he looks up quickly, surprised to see Kara's eyes, Kara's face so close. She offers him the smallest smile and that's all he needs. He leans into her then and doesn't care how much he's shaking or how much he's crying or how much he had wanted this to be the other way around.

Lee thinks that maybe Kara's the only other person who understands what losing Zak means and so maybe, this is where he should be.

"I'm sorry," Kara keeps murmuring in his ear and he doesn't have the strength to tell her it's not her fault. He barely has the strength to lift his head. "I'm sorry, Lee."

Hearing his name from her lips makes him sob harder and he finally embraces her back, arms working their way out from between them and around her. She shuffles a little closer and they're pressed together, and neither of them is warm, but sharing what little body heat they have is a comfort. Lee nestles his face into the crook her neck and shoulder and Kara's fingers drift through his hair.

For a while, sitting like that, being held is enough. But too soon, Lee realizes where he is and who he's with, he remembers how much he wants her and knows he's in trouble. He can't ever betray Zak that completely.

He pulls back from Kara quickly, wiping at his face.

"Lee?" she questions and he thinks she might even sound hurt and he can't bear that.

He rises and then holds out his hand to her. She eyes him for a second before sliding her hand into his and letting him help her to her feet. He keeps her hand in his, squeezing it slightly and whispers, "Thank you."

She blinks fast and he knows she's ridding herself of tears. Shaking her head, she tells him, "I didn't do anything."

Lee takes a step closer, risking his sanity and his morals and any loyalty he has to his brother. He knows the longer they're close, the better chance there is he'll act on what he shouldn't be feeling.

"Kara, you … you helped and I didn't think that was possible," he tells her truthfully and holds her gaze until she doesn't look away. Cupping her cheek with his other hand he says again, "Thank you."

She nods absently and then looks at her feet and Lee can't overlook the fact that not only is he freezing, but he's pretty sure Kara's lips are blue. Placing an arm around her shoulders, he steers her toward the gate. "Come on, I think we're both cold enough."

Kara doesn't fight him this time, just moves with him, in tandem as they walk across more graves and pretend it doesn't bother them. He thinks she might pause again at Zak's grave, but as they near it, she turns her head and buries her face into his shoulder. He doesn't say anything, just cups the back of her head and brushes a kiss against her frozen skin.

They reach the gate and Lee tells her, "It's locked, we'll have to scale it."

Kara looks at him, her lip twisted in an expression he can't quite name and then walks to the gate. She pulls something from her pocket and works the lock, popping it. As she pushes open the gate, she cocks her head and grins. "Come on."

Lee shakes his head and jogs to catch up with her. Once he's clear, she closes the gate and then faces it for a minute. Just as Lee's about to see if she's all right, she turns back to him, uncertainty evident on her features.

"Do you …" She pauses and Lee waits, trying not to hold his breath. But she doesn't finish.

"Do I what?" he asks, taking a step closer.

She shrugs and he doesn't know why she's suddenly shy. He's never known her to be timid in the handful of times they've shared the same space. But he can tell whatever she's going to say is hard for her. Lee tries to make it easier. "Kara, I just want to help."

This seems to encourage her and she swallows once before asking, "Do you wanna get something to eat?"

Lee grins, relieved. "Yeah, I do."

She meets his eyes then and almost smiles.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: A Form of Betrayal, 3/3

Pairing: Lee/Kara

Rating: R

Disclaimer: I'm still mad at Ron, 'nuf said.

Summary: _After the cemetery and the rain and a quick bite at her favorite diner, Lee doesn't see Kara again until three days later._

A/N: All right, this is it. This story ate my brain for a week and now it's done. I really hope you like this as much as you liked parts one and two. And now, I can hopefully focus on my post-Earth fic!

---- ----

After the cemetery and the rain and a quick bite at her favorite diner, Lee doesn't see Kara again for three days. He's been checking in, calling every day, just to see how she's coping. Once she sounded fine; the other two times he'd almost charged over to her apartment based on the tone of her voice alone. But she asked him not to come, asked him to give her space and he'd done it.

Then, she'd asked for his help.

She needs to go through Zak's things and she doesn't want to do it by herself. He's standing at her door thirty minutes later, with a six-pack of Caprican ale and the determination to help however he can.

Kara's not smiling when she answers the door, hasn't smiled for a while. She eyes the beer and rolls her eyes, but takes it and places it in the fridge, before leading him wordlessly to the bedroom.

Lee starts on Zak's dresser, opening drawers and piling pajamas, t-shirts and underwear in boxes. Kara says she wants to donate it, so Lee separates what can and can't be taken to charity, while Kara works in silence on Zak's closet. They work like this for maybe an hour and just when Lee thinks they should take a break, he finds an old cigar box, buried in the last drawer of Zak's bedside table.

He pulls it out and onto his lap before sitting on the bed. Opening it, he's ashamed his hands are shaking. Kara's back is to him, she's still tossing out shirts, pants and shoes with a vengeance, so Lee has a minute to reminisce unnoticed.

It's full of pictures; pictures from their childhood, moments in time where Lee is smiling, but can't remember why he's happy. There's the morning of Zak's seventh birthday when he'd gotten the bike he wanted; and the afternoon of Zak's seventh birthday where he's brandishing a cast while he sits on the sofa with a huge ice cream sundae in his lap. Lee's beside him in both instances.

There's a picture of his mother and father when they were young and happy. It stings Lee to see it, to be reminded of how far they've fallen. He puts it aside quickly.

Then, there are pictures of Kara: Kara alone, Kara with Zak, Kara with her bird. There are a lot of pictures of Kara and her bird actually and he has to smile at the cocky grin on her face, aviator sunglasses perched on her nose, a cigar stuck between her teeth. She looks amazingly self-assured and Lee realizes these aren't pictures of Kara, they're pictures of Starbuck. Apparently, his brother had loved both women.

The last photo is one he'd forgotten about. How could he have forgotten that day? Two days after the dinner party when his hangover had finally faded, Zak called begging Lee to join them for a game of Pyramid: they were a man short. He remembers Kara's cackle in the background as she called out, "well, he is a little short." He remembers being unable to avoid the challenge despite the fact that he can't play Pyramid for shit.

This picture was the culmination of that afternoon. Kara nuzzling Zak's face and Lee standing to the side, looking uncomfortable; yeah, he'd beat it home pretty fast after that.

"What'd you find?"

Kara's voice startles him and he glances up. She's hugging one of Zak's sweatshirts to her chest, but otherwise her eyes are dry and clear and Lee's grateful. He's glad to know that when he leaves at the end of the week she might be okay.

"Some pictures," Lee tells her, showing her the box. Kara takes it and fingers the photos reverently. Occasionally, she smiles, but quickly her calm expression fades and she places the box back on the bed, Zak's sweatshirt beside it and heads for the kitchen.

"I could really go for a beer," she throws over her shoulder and because Lee doesn't want to push her, he follows.

When he leaves later that night, after the stuff for charity has been packed in his car, she hands him the cigar box. He tells her he can't take it and she tells him that's ridiculous. It sits on the passenger seat for his ride home.

Before he goes to bed, he leafs through each of the images again. The ones of Kara and Zak are gone and Lee's glad she kept them. It's not until he's drifting to sleep that he realizes the picture of the three of them is missing too.

---- ----

It's his last night of leave and he wants to see her. He's back at her apartment, waiting for her to answer her door.

A young cadet, pretty and obviously flirting with him, walks by with a basket of laundry and tells him Starbuck's not there. When he asks if she knows where she might be, the girl shrugs and gives him the name of a couple of bars nearby; apparently, Kara has a reputation that even her neighbors know about.

Lee thanks her for the info and doesn't miss the purposeful sway of her hips as she continues down the hall. Maybe if he wasn't so obsessed with his dead brother's girlfriend, he'd be interested.

The bars are close enough for him to walk. The first one is quiet, more upscale with dim lighting and soft music. He gives Kara's description to the doorman who says he hasn't seen her and Lee only gives the interior a cursory glance. This isn't her kind of place anyway.

He walks two blocks down and one block over to reach the second bar. The music's pulsing so loud he can hear it while he's still a hundred feet away. It's thudding a rhythm through the soles of his feet and he figures this has to be where Kara is.

The place is packed and it takes him a few minutes to work his way toward the bar. He manages to catch the bartender's attention and begins his description of Kara. He doesn't get very far; the guy knows her well and tells him she left about fifteen minutes ago with a guy.

He's immediately mad and immediately jealous and he knows that's not fair. Not only doesn't he have any claim over her, but he's the last person in the world who should think he does. Although, for reasons he knows are inappropriate he doesn't like the idea of another man touching her. Doesn't like the idea that she'd allow it, so close to Zak's death. But he understands the need for release and he can't judge her for that.

The thought's occurred to him as well. He's considered calling up an old girlfriend, playing the sympathy card, seeing if he can get a few hours of forgetfulness. He hasn't though, because every time he reaches for the phone, he wants to dial Kara's number and he can't do that either.

He leaves the bar, not interested in drinking alone or listening to loud music or even finding a body to dance with. He wants to see Kara. Apparently, he'll have to go back into space without a goodbye.

Lee considers the quickest way home, eager now to be as far away from her as he can. He'll need to cut through an alley and although it's probably not the best idea, he's just on this side of careless, so ducking his head, he changes direction.

He's halfway into the alley before he realizes he's not alone. Up ahead, in shadows, he sees what he assumes are two people in a somewhat intimate position. Figuring they'll be too busy to notice, Lee powers ahead, pausing after another dozen steps as he makes out words.

"I said enough. Get off me!"

Lee takes another step closer and feels his heart launch itself into his throat. It's Kara. Despite her strength, a large, uniformed man has her pinned to the alley wall and from what Lee can see in the minimal light, a bruise and a cut mar her face. She's struggling for all she's worth, but the man is stronger and bigger and he's already got her hands braced against the way, making them ineffective.

"Shut up, you frakkin' tease! You wanted this and you're gonna get it."

"No."

Lee sprints the rest of the way and without considering the consequences, he pulls roughly on the guy's shoulder, getting him off Kara. And turning his drunken rage on Lee.

"Sir." Lee swallows as he recognizes the major pips on the man's jacket and is very thankful his tags are hidden beneath his shirt. "I think you should leave her alone."

"Who the hell are you?" The major is really drunk and he sways once before striking out a fist in Lee's direction. The alcohol makes him sloppy and Lee sidesteps him easily, inserting himself between the major and Kara who hasn't moved or spoken since he got there.

"Are you okay?" he murmurs over his shoulder and all he gets is a small "uh-huh," in return.

"Dammit, boy. You wanna whore, you go get one of your own!" Still swinging wildly, the major doesn't stand a chance of landing of punch. But that doesn't stop Lee from hitting him squarely on the jaw, dropping the large man to the ground in an unconscious heap.

Considering the week he's had, it feels damn good.

Shaking off the sting from his knuckles, Lee turns to Kara and finds her staring at the crumpled form of her attacker. Worried, he reaches for her hand, disheartened when she pulls back violently. "Kara, are you okay?"

She pulls her eyes from the ground and brings them to Lee and he's not sure what he sees. He thought he'd see fear and pain and maybe a little anger, but he's pretty sure all he can make out is despair. She doesn't say a word, just stares at him for a moment and Lee feels the full force of her glare. Then, she turns and starts to walk away.

She doesn't get very far. Whatever the other man has done causes her pain, because she stops with a hand against the wall and her arm wrapped around her midsection. Lee's at Kara's side in a second, one hand on her shoulder. "Let me help," he tells her, no longer angry that she allowed another man to touch her; just grateful he cares enough to have come looking.

"Go home, Lee," she murmurs, eyes closed. "Just go home and leave me alone."

He sighs. "I thought we'd been through this," he tells her, backing up a step. "I'm not leaving you alone, not while I'm still landlocked and since my leave doesn't run out for another twelve hours, you're stuck with me 'til then."

She's not amused by his flippant tone and he knew she wouldn't be. But she finally does look at him and this time it is pain he sees in her eyes—physical as well as emotional. "Why are you doing this?" she finally asks, and he knows there's a ton of questions she's not asking, like 'why are you here,' 'why do you care,' 'why won't you leave me alone'?

And despite all the ways he's answered this same question in the past few days, he does it again, because for some reason Kara Thrace cannot understand that there are people in this world who don't want her to suffer.

He approaches her again and gently removes her arm from her waist, draping it over his shoulder and taking most of her weight. "Because Zak was my brother," he whispers to her.

She finally collapses into his side.

---- ----

It's a long walk when carrying another person and Lee's broken a sweat by the time he reaches Kara's building. As he eyes the stairs, he nudges her and says, "Come on, Kara, you gotta help me out."

She comes around for a few minutes to get to the second floor of her building. She's hanging on him again by the time he reaches her door. Shifting her weight, he pulls out the key he'd pocketed a week ago, and lets them in. Once the door's closed, he pulls her into his arms and carries her down the stairs and to the couch.

Flipping on a few lights, he does his best to assess her injuries and the anger he'd initially felt for the major comes back tenfold.

The bruise on her cheek is already deepening to a nice shade of purple and the cut on her forehead is ugly, but not deep. He wants to check on her abdomen, wants to know why she had a hard time walking on her own, but she's still out of it and he doesn't want to frighten her.

Instead, he goes to the bathroom and finds a washcloth, some antiseptic and a band-aid and brings them back to the sofa. He gently washes her face first, careful of the bruise. Moving onto the cut, the minute he presses the antiseptic to it, she wakes, hissing. Sitting up swiftly, she cries out as the movement aggravates her midsection and Lee catches her as she pitches forward against him.

She's breathing heavily, her forehead touching his shoulder and he doesn't know what to do. He wants to tell her it's okay, wants to ask her what that guy's name is so they can report him. He wants to ask if she's really all right, wants to know why she was there, in that alley, wants to know how she could let that creep touch her.

But he holds his tongue, because right now, she's relying on him and he won't jeopardize that with his curiosity.

"Son of a bitch," she murmurs softly as she gingerly reclines again, eyes closing while she takes deep breaths.

Lee waits a beat and then resumes working on the cut in silence. As he applies the bandage, her eyes flutter open and he sees regret there. He has to say something. "Are you really okay?" he asks softly.

She nods slightly and then changes the direction mid-motion. Moving her hands down to her stomach, she plays with the hem of her shirt. "He bruised my ribs," she admits quietly and Lee grits his teeth against the rage that blossoms in his heart.

"Can I take a look?" he asks, wanting to make sure it's just bruising and not something more serious. He knows he doesn't have the skill to make a diagnosis, but he learned enough in survivalist training to get by. Of course, so did Kara, so he wonders at the intelligence of finding an excuse to touch her.

Kara's lower lip is trapped in her teeth and her eyes stare at him uncomprehending. He stares back, hoping she understands that in the span of a week, she's become one of the most important people in his life. Hoping she understands that leaving this apartment tonight will be harder for him then putting Zak in the ground.

Without giving him an answer, Kara grasps the hem of her shirt and slowly starts to inch it up her stomach. Lee places his hands over hers to help and he knows he's damned. She's shaking, just noticeably and now he sees tears in her eyes. He hopes he's not the cause.

By the time her bruised torso is exposed, she's not looking at him anymore. Her head's turned to the side and he can see an errant tear or two drip from the corner of her eyes. He wants to forget about everything and just hold her, but he does want to know she's okay.

He ghosts his hands over the bruises, feeling the heat of her skin beneath his palm. Hesitant and afraid for reasons he can't name, he pauses a second before biting his lip and pressing down as gently as possible on one side of her body. She cries out a little and then bites her fist and Lee immediately pulls his hands back. "I'm sorry," he murmurs, reaching up to stroke her hair.

She still doesn't look at him, so he checks her other side and then decides this is too much. He's not that strong a man and he's definitely a sucker for a damsel in distress. He knows Starbuck would lay him out flat for having such a thought, but Starbuck's not here right now, it's Kara and her vulnerability has always been his undoing.

He works her shirt back down and asks, "Do you want some water or something?"

She doesn't answer him, but Lee needs to move, so he rises and grabs a glass from the cabinet. He lets the tap run for a minute. Before he fills the cup, he splashes a bit on his face and feels better for it. It's almost over. Now all he has to do is be sure she gets to bed and then he's gone.

And he doesn't know when he'll see her again.

His throat goes dry at the thought and absently he fills the glass, turns off the tap and returns to her side. He's surprised to find her sitting up, feet on the floor.

"Here." Lee hands her the water and Kara takes it, barely looking in his direction. She takes a few sips and he watches closely, uncertain what to do next. He doubts she wants to talk, but he feels that it's his duty to at least ask.

He sits beside her again and she tenses. "Kara, what …" He doesn't even know where to begin.

"Don't over think it, Lee," she rasps, voice shaky. "I was just looking for some fun."

He can't help the anger that flares in his gut. Gingerly, he touches her wounded cheek. "Is this your idea of fun?"

She tenses again and then turns to him with empty eyes. "You don't know me all that well."

It's a challenge and it angers Lee more. "Dammit, Kara. How could you do this? To yourself? To Zak? What the frak did you think you were doing?" He's on his feet because he needs to pace.

"It's none of your damn business," she tells him, rising. She winces in the process and Lee almost reaches out a hand to steady her before he remembers how mad he is. "I didn't ask you to take care of me, Lee! I don't need you!"

He blinks at her words, taking a step back. Her own features pale for a second before he watches her face become blank once more. He doesn't know how it's possible for her not to need someone, especially now. He does and now he fears that makes him weak.

But she can't make it any plainer and Lee knows on some level she's right. He takes the key from his pocket and places it on her coffee table, before risking one last glance to her face. He has to bite his lip from saying something undeniably stupid.

Instead, he swallows and manages, "See you around, Kara," before turning and heading for the door.

His foot's on the first step when she calls him back. "Lee?"

He knows he shouldn't turn around. He's a pretty smart guy and he knows the best thing to do is head up those stairs, get in his car and drive home. He knows it.

He turns around anyway.

She's a hands-breadth from him and he didn't expect her to be so close. She's staring at him with an unfathomable expression and Lee just holds his breath. Finally, she bridges the small distance between them, her hand on his cheek and kisses him.

It's a brush of the lips, nothing more really. Lee stands frozen as it happens, his body flooding with adrenaline and desire he can't act on. When Kara leans back, a questioning gaze on her face, Lee lets out a breath and says, "Kara."

She shakes her head slightly and whispers, "I don't know what I'm doing."

Her confession disintegrates his remaining anger. Without any further thought, he pulls her into him and holds her tight. She squeaks as he puts pressure on her ribs and he loosens his hold, but just a little.

"What am I doing, Lee?" she murmurs, her lips by his ear. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Nothing, Kara," he tells her, pressing a kiss to her bruised cheek. "You don't have to do anything."

She wraps her arms around him tightly and Lee feels tears sting his eyes. He blinks rapidly, refusing to cry them and then says, "You need to get some sleep."

She nods, but doesn't move, so Lee is forced to make the hard choice. He doesn't want to let her go, but he knows he has to. "Come on, Kara," he whispers, keeping an arm around her shoulders as he steers her toward the bedroom.

Kara stops in the doorway, staring at the empty room. It's devoid of all of Zak's effects, and it looks sparse. There are a few paintings on the walls and a framed picture next to her bed, but that's all. The bed's made and doesn't look as if it's been slept in for days. Lee guesses it probably hasn't.

"I need to get cleaned up," she tells him suddenly and turns abruptly, heading across the little hall for the bathroom. She's inside with the door shut before he can even ask what's wrong.

He hears the shower turn on and sighs. Going to Kara's dresser, he finds what he assumes are pajamas and leaves them folded by the door. Then, he goes into her kitchen and puts on a pot of water for tea. And waits.

She's been in the shower for over thirty minutes by the time Lee's impatience wins out.

Approaching the door, he raps lightly and calls, "Kara?" She doesn't answer, so he tries again. "Kara, I left some pajamas out here for you, okay? And I made some tea, so just come out when you're ready."

There still isn't an answer. Lee presses his palm to the door, wanting to open it. Again he knows he can't, but considering everything Kara's been through, everything he's been through, he's starting to not care about 'can't."

"Kara, are you okay?"

When she still won't answer, he decides that's enough. "I'm coming in there, Kara."

There's no answer to the threat either, so Lee grabs the knob and turns, pushing open the door. Kara's sitting on the toilet in a sky blue bathrobe he's never seen. Her hair's wet and stringy around her face. She's staring at nothing.

"Kara?"

"He can't be gone, Lee," she murmurs, eyes still staring straight ahead. "He can't. This is a dream, right?"

Bringing her eyes to his face, Lee sees such desperation there he almost says 'yes;' he'll say anything, do anything at this moment to make it easier for her.

He risks getting closer and kneels before her, taking her hands in his. "Kara, it's not a dream. Zak's gone and we have to live with that."

She bites her lip and nods absently, looking at their joined hands in her lap. Zak's ring is still on her thumb and it makes Lee smile slightly. At least she has this reminder of how much Zak loved her. He wishes the simple act of removing it would make whatever this is between them okay. But he knows that whether she ever takes off that ring, anything between them will never be okay. It'll be a betrayal.

It doesn't stop Lee's heart from wanting it, wanting her.

"Come on, Kara. I made tea." He rises and gives her his hand and she takes it after a momentary pause.

He gets her to the couch and then retrieves the two mugs and sits beside her. She's curled her legs up underneath her and rests her head against the back of the couch between sips. They don't talk and Lee figures it's better that way.

"Why do you think we never met?" she asks quietly, startling Lee enough that he almost spills his tea down the front of his shirt.

Turning to her, he answers, "Because Zak waited to introduce us."

She shakes her head and leans forward to put her empty mug on the table. "No, I mean before, at the Academy. Why do you think we never met?"

Lee shrugs; it is a question he's been asking himself in the past year. "I'm not sure. Maybe because I'm a reservist."

"I guess," she says with a shrug and then looks away again. Lee finishes his own drink and knows it's almost time for him to leave.

As he gets ready to say goodbye, she looks back to him again, eyes shining with tears and whispers, "I wish we'd met back then. I wish we'd met before …"

He inhales sharply at the statement and can't stop himself from kissing her. He holds both sides of her face in his hands and crushes his mouth to hers. She stiffens for a second and then gives in with a small sigh from the back of her throat and Lee wants to kiss her more.

One of her hands wraps around his neck and Lee leans toward her, pressing her back into the couch, his body half covering hers now. He thinks that lying with her like this, touching her, kissing her, is better than anything he's ever experienced.

Ignoring the alarms blaring in his head, he deepens the kiss, running his tongue along the seam of her lips and tangling it with hers as she responds in kind. His hand begins to drift and as it covers her breast, soft and pliant under the silky fabric of her robe, he wonders if his hand was made for this, for touching Kara.

She mewls, her body arching and pressing against his and he groans as the contact makes his already aroused mid-section flare hot. Gods, he wants her so badly despite all the reasons he shouldn't. As his dexterous fingers work her nipple into a hard peak, Kara's hand drifts from his neck down his chest and he can feel her fingers fumbling with the buttons of his shirt.

And for some reason, that's what pulls him back to reality. "Kara," he whispers against her mouth, trying to disentangle himself. He can't though because one of her legs is trapping his and her other arm is still tight around his shoulder.

He pulls himself away from her mouth and almost says to hell with all of it, when she stares at him with those damn eyes. Her lips are swollen, from his kisses and his hand is still resting against the soft skin of her breast and he's still rock hard. This is so very, very bad.

"Kara, we …" He can't finish the statement, because they damn well can do this and were quickly on their way to seeing it through.

"Lee," she whispers and he looks at her. "Please."

How is he supposed to deny her? Just as he leans forward to attach his lips to her neck, he thinks of being in a similar position a year ago. So he stops.

"Kara, I can't." And that's the truth, because _they_ can, but he _can't_, he can't do that to Zak or to Kara. He gets off of her quickly and sits on the coffee table before the couch. She reaches for the edges of her robe and holds them together tightly, again not looking at him. "I'm sorry," he murmurs, scrubbing a hand over his face. And he is, in so many ways he can't count them.

"I thought we …" She swallows hard and Lee watches the lump in her throat pass. "I thought there was something here."

He can't outright lie to her. Reaching for her hand, he's relieved that she lets him take it. "There is, Kara. There just can't be right now."

She nods and looks at him and thankfully her eyes aren't full of tears. "I know, I … I know," she finally says.

He sits there holding her hand in both of his. They can sit here now and face each other and it's not painful. He still wants her, with everything he has, but he's resigned that this isn't the time and he can see she's come to the same conclusion.

Minutes pass and he finally rises. "I should go."

She nods and rises too, taking his hand as they walk to the door. At the top of the landing, he faces her again and places a kiss on her cheek. "You're going to be okay, Kara," he whispers, pushing damp hair behind her ear.

Kara gives him a small nod, but not a smile and Lee's heart tightens in his chest. "You are, you hear me?"

"I know."

She doesn't sound convinced which is making it harder for him to open the door. "Kara—"

"It's okay, Lee." Kara meets his gaze and he sees that it will be. "I'll get there. That's just leave it at that, all right?"

He nods. He knows that's all he can hope for, so he'll have to take it. He opens the door and steps into the hall, turning back to face her. She leans against the doorframe, so frakkin' beautiful he almost breaks all his own rules and kisses her again. Instead, he extends his hand and tells her, "I'll see you around, Kara Thrace."

She returns the handshake and says, "See you around, Lee Adama."

Lee manages to walk away and not turn back.

---- ----

Galactica's Brig – One Year Later

---- ----

Lee can't believe he got roped into this pomp and circumstance. Of course, Nagala made it clear it wasn't a choice and at least it got him off the Atlantia for a bit. Any break is a good break.

He's on the deck and tries not to harass their Chief; the guy's just doing his job, following his father's paranoid orders. He heads to the Ready Room on his way to the showers and takes a look at the board. When he sees her name, he smiles.

A half hour later he's in tanks and BDUs and on his way to the brig, because where else would Starbuck be?

As he enters and returns the guard's salute, he catches sight of her, doing push-ups, looking tough. Her hair's shorter than before, but otherwise, she's the same Kara.

Approaching the bars, he raises his arms and leans against them and watches her for a minute. Maybe a few days on Galactica won't be so bad. "Well, this seems familiar."

He watches her movement pause for a second and waits as she finishes a few more push-ups, just because she can. When she drops her feet and stands, wiping her hands on her pants, she meets his gaze.

And this time, she smiles.

---- ----


End file.
